deciphering life

nobody's going to fully understand how i feel and it is no wonder, because i myself can't fully comprehend my feelings. how am i to explain my feelings if i can't fully grasp them? would you blame yourself if you were me?

there's this and there's that and there's so many of this and that. thinking. wondering. pondering. emotional upheavals. peace nowhere.

is doing what is right the same as doing what is good? is doing what is good the same as doing what is best? what is right and good and best? nothing.

how can i describe the aches that shot through me when i looked at every single article that filled the bag. indescribable. but who is to know?

a million and one reasons for me to do something and another million and two for me to not do something. can 1 more reason win a million and one reasons. are there reasons enough? more is sometimes less.

can't sleep. can't think straight. but keep thinking...

the answers won't come but there is something inside of me.

i won't push away the blame but who is to say what is right or wrong. i won't push it any further, not because i don't care but it's already beyond me. and no matter how wrong i am perceived to be, i must follow what my heart and head tells me to do. so rare that they are telling me the same things now.